Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

So, the farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one, right here!"

The impressed man asks, "How did you know?"

"By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

The man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your trousers on," she tells him. Arctic Frost TDV6 SE. Aspen Leather, Cherry Wood, Privacy Glass, PTI, Tow Pack, Mudflaps, Tasmods, a new Fuelflap, a RRSport.co.uk umbrella in the boot & a RRSport.co.uk sticker on the rear glass.
__________________

Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but I'm not stupid . . . I know it revolves around the sun. Which shines out of my @rse!!!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . .we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to
watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try
not to hit him? It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and
hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin'
at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on
it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police

12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.

13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please?

14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please
stand

15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A

16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats
4

17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.

18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll
screw anything.

19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.

20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some
uvver bleeders job innit."

21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot
to close the Nova's window in the car wash

22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random
stranger for no reason whatsoever.

23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.

24. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society.

25. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were
approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they
stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the
blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us?


Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde
girl leaned over the counter and said:
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

TonyMeg wrote:

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . .we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

 
" WITH MORE EXTRAS THAN A HOLLYWOOD EPIC "

to both!

a granny of 82 was always stealing oranges from the supermarket, putting them in carrier bags. She was stopped at the door and the police were called. she was told she would have to go to court 1 at 2.45. Granny was a bit forgetful and turned up at court 2 at 1.45. She stood in the dock with a prostitute either side of her. The judge said to one prostitute
"why do you do it?
cos i need the money
he said to the second prostitute
"Why do you do it?
cos i like it and the money is good.
the judge says to Granny
"Why do you do it
"I like to peel the skin back slowly and suck out the juices! no regrets!
ONE LIFE LIVE IT.

I was driving down the M1 in mid January ( going a little faster than I
> should ). I passed under a bridge only to see a police officer on the
> other side with a radar-gun.
>
> He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
> patronising smirk asked "Runway too short?"
> To which I replied "I'm late for an appointment ".
>
> " So, what do you do for a living?" he enquired.
>
> " I'm a Rectum-stretcher ".
>
> " What the hell does a Rectum-stretcher do?"
>
> "Well," I said, " I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
> to two fingers, then three, then four. Then my whole hand in, working it
> side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
> stretch the opening until its about 6 feet".
>
> Questioningly and cautiously the officer asked " And just what do you do
> with a six foot arsehole?"
>
> " You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge ".
>
> Speeding ticket £100; Court costs £45.
>
> Look on Copper's face: Priceless. some of my Previous cars
--------------------------------
P38 Range Rover Autobiography
RRS 2.7 HSE Silver
RRS TDV8 HSE silver
FFRR Vogue black
Disco3 HSE silver
RRS 2.7 HSE silver
RRS 3.0 HSE BALTI BLUE
______________________________
current vehicles
RRS 3.0 L494 Autobiography
Audi R8 V10 Spyder
AC Cobra
Landrover Defender 90
Landrover Defender 110
Suzuki Jimney

Enterprising kid

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy "I have a football."

Man "That's nice."

Boy "Want to buy it?"

Man "No, thanks."

Boy "My dad's outside."

Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750" Man "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that **** again".

 Arctic Frost TDV6 SE. Aspen Leather, Cherry Wood, Privacy Glass, PTI, Tow Pack, Mudflaps, Tasmods, a new Fuelflap, a RRSport.co.uk umbrella in the boot & a RRSport.co.uk sticker on the rear glass.
__________________

Some people accuse me of thinking the world revolves around me, but I'm not stupid . . . I know it revolves around the sun. Which shines out of my @rse!!!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom............

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios"