RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
SL55 AMG
760Li Alpina
BMW 535D M Sport
BMW X6 XDrive35D
BMW 320D Coupe M Sport
And A Van For Rex!

WINNER - 2008's Idler Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Comedian Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Funniest Incident

I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-b***h who ran over my FROG!"

 RRS TDV6 Gone but still around
SL55 AMG
760Li Alpina
BMW 535D M Sport
BMW X6 XDrive35D
BMW 320D Coupe M Sport
And A Van For Rex!

WINNER - 2008's Idler Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Comedian Of The Year
WINNER - 2008's Funniest Incident

I love boobies i love boobies i love boobies cuz i'm a big kid now! (Come on everybody sing with me you know the words!)

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

 some of my Previous cars
--------------------------------
P38 Range Rover Autobiography
RRS 2.7 HSE Silver
RRS TDV8 HSE silver
FFRR Vogue black
Disco3 HSE silver
RRS 2.7 HSE silver
RRS 3.0 HSE BALTI BLUE
______________________________
current vehicles
RRS 3.0 L494 Autobiography
Audi R8 V10 Spyder
AC Cobra
Landrover Defender 90
Landrover Defender 110
Suzuki Jimney

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen . If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink , to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist . Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER - - A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm . Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom -used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe -tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
__________________

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.



The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.



Finally, the counselor stands up, goes around his desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly in a very satisfied daze.



The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"



The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."

Sexual harassment

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
















The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget !

15 soliders arrested for straying into Iranian water - 14 men and one woman.

Doesnt take a genius to work out who was doing the map reading.

Cliff H wrote:

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.



The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.



Finally, the counselor stands up, goes around his desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly in a very satisfied daze.



The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"



The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Okay - hello all, across the pond! My first post here, and I have to join the act (lots of lmfao stuff here - hope this isn't a repeat, though I think it would be hard NOT to repeat at some point):
*EDIT* - for some reason, the earlier joke got put in this space (some fubar), but here is the right one:

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to
the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do
with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
way:

"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send
them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free
box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick ". I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, then you wish you had ordered that.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

----------------------------------------------------------

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't

know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

----------------------------------------------------------

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters.They all said the same : "You can have mine."

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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend."A billionaire." she replied,

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The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

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A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"

His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"

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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

----------------------------------------------------------

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

---------------------------------------------------------

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful

house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it

was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life

thinking they had no faults at all.

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I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

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How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

---------------------------------l-------------------------

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy 2002 Discovery Adventurer LE
1998 Freelander xedi
Ertl limited edition RRS model number 817

Andy & Cliff=  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs