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npinks
Site Moderator


Member Since: 27 Nov 2007
Location: Watching
Posts: 6688

United Kingdom 

SRE wrote:
Who moderates the Moderator's ? Whistle Whistle


Martin, his chief mod and bottle washer Laughing

Post #389312 Fri Jul 19 2013 1:44pm
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essexfarmer



Member Since: 28 Aug 2011
Location: Essex
Posts: 108

United Kingdom 2012 Range Rover Sport SDV6 HSE Lux Orkney Grey

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut ...3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.I eventually upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2013.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2013, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2013, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Any advice would be helpful, many thanks. 12MY RRS Orkney Grey HSE Lux
12MY FF Santorini Black VSE

Post #389327 Fri Jul 19 2013 5:31pm
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whippetman



Member Since: 12 Jun 2010
Location: on the level
Posts: 467

United Kingdom 2011 Range Rover Sport 3.0 TDV6 HSE Stornoway Grey

Rolling with laughter Bow down Thumbs Up

Post #389332 Fri Jul 19 2013 6:37pm
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Gawin S



Member Since: 08 Jul 2013
Location: London
Posts: 9

Excellent! Rolling with laughter When the lions roar

Post #389763 Wed Jul 24 2013 10:19am
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SRE



Member Since: 16 Jan 2010
Location: Alicante Prov Spain + Hampshire UK
Posts: 2138

Nymphomania Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in,
he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait....

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.. I
don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba." In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Down and out's Velar
In UK - Not saying, but its NOT a Muddy Milk Float.
Gone - Several Lode Lane vehicles
- Beta User

Post #390851 Sun Aug 04 2013 9:36am
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SRE



Member Since: 16 Jan 2010
Location: Alicante Prov Spain + Hampshire UK
Posts: 2138

True

SIMPLE TRUTH #1



Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH # 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations".

But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.



FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Ferrari than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.



AND FINALLY



Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband. In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Down and out's Velar
In UK - Not saying, but its NOT a Muddy Milk Float.
Gone - Several Lode Lane vehicles
- Beta User

Post #390855 Sun Aug 04 2013 9:52am
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SRE



Member Since: 16 Jan 2010
Location: Alicante Prov Spain + Hampshire UK
Posts: 2138

vasectomy on the cheap

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick
one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.


A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull , parts of Bradford, Wales and anywhere in Ireland In Spain - 2018 F Pace - Down and out's Velar
In UK - Not saying, but its NOT a Muddy Milk Float.
Gone - Several Lode Lane vehicles
- Beta User

Post #392153 Mon Aug 19 2013 9:00am
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Black36



Member Since: 16 Apr 2012
Location: Exeter
Posts: 56

United Kingdom 2010 Range Rover Sport TDV8 HSE Santorini Black

A letter Home

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs
are all gone.
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it an...d I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but its not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what youre doing. For breakfast theres cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are Censored because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I dont know why because the bulls-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at you like the Murphys did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of Censored . You don't even load your own cartridges they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload. Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so hes a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Siobhn. Martyn

TDV8 HSE 2010.
Ebony Leather
Santorini Black.

Post #392159 Mon Aug 19 2013 10:18am
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Very Annoyed
Site Moderator


Member Since: 23 Aug 2005
Location: bat-wielding monkey-spanking tough-love zero-tolerance Euro-sceptic moderator - So just watch it!
Posts: 19458

United Kingdom 

Not a joke but a good advice!

The 3 'Fs'

If it Floats, Flies of F*$@s - don't buy - rent! 2005 Zambezi TDV6 - Gone but not forgotten
2009 Alaska TDV8 - Gone and much missed.



WINNER - 2009 �Idler Of The Year� Award
Runner Up - 2009 �Just Doing What It�s Designed To Do� Award


DO NOT CLICK HERE!

Post #392165 Mon Aug 19 2013 10:58am
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Ady 555
Site Moderator


Member Since: 12 Dec 2010
Location: Good old yorkshire
Posts: 8700

United Kingdom 2012 Range Rover Sport SDV6 HSE Santorini Black
How Does This Work Then?

&feature=youtu.be

Laughing

Post #392292 Tue Aug 20 2013 8:50am
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npinks
Site Moderator


Member Since: 27 Nov 2007
Location: Watching
Posts: 6688

United Kingdom 

The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately Thumbs Up

Post #392295 Tue Aug 20 2013 9:56am
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Ady 555
Site Moderator


Member Since: 12 Dec 2010
Location: Good old yorkshire
Posts: 8700

United Kingdom 2012 Range Rover Sport SDV6 HSE Santorini Black
One For You Scots....

Laughing Laughing

http://dotsub.com/view/6c5d7514-5656-476a-9504-07dd4e2f6509

Post #392463 Thu Aug 22 2013 9:23am
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Black36



Member Since: 16 Apr 2012
Location: Exeter
Posts: 56

United Kingdom 2010 Range Rover Sport TDV8 HSE Santorini Black

Seen this before, but its fun.

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.


And now, the Honorable mentions:


2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, �Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!


In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family .... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember....

They walk among us, they can reproduce. Martyn

TDV8 HSE 2010.
Ebony Leather
Santorini Black.

Post #392470 Thu Aug 22 2013 9:59am
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RRSTDV8



Member Since: 13 Aug 2011
Location: Northamptonshire
Posts: 6057

United Kingdom 2008 Range Rover Sport TDV8 HSE Stornoway Grey

Only one of those, the first one, can be considered for a Darwin Award - the whole idea is that it's awarded to people who take themselves out of the gene pool by doing something stupid.

The others - they're just funny. I particularly like the one about the chap who connected to the effluent tank by mistake! 2012 SDV6 - it's missing a couple of cylinders
2008 TDV8 - it was a labour of love and is much missed

Post #392475 Thu Aug 22 2013 11:02am
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flydive



Member Since: 17 May 2007
Location: South
Posts: 1191

Switzerland 2008 Range Rover Sport TDV8 HSE Stornoway Grey

"Woman stops gator attack with a small Berettapistol."


This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator..
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.



Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection!!
Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun!! '08 RRS TDV8
I converted my diesel RRS to run on an environmentally friendly mixture of caribou fat and baby seals oil

Post #392480 Thu Aug 22 2013 12:25pm
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