shmoogle wrote:

That's no way to talk about your bar staff, Brian!

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. some of my Previous cars
--------------------------------
P38 Range Rover Autobiography
RRS 2.7 HSE Silver
RRS TDV8 HSE silver
FFRR Vogue black
Disco3 HSE silver
RRS 2.7 HSE silver
RRS 3.0 HSE BALTI BLUE
______________________________
current vehicles
RRS 3.0 L494 Autobiography
Audi R8 V10 Spyder
AC Cobra
Landrover Defender 90
Landrover Defender 110
Suzuki Jimney

 

2009 Outstanding Contribution Award - Joint Runner Up
2009 'Tech-Head Of The Year' Award - Runner Up

Like it here? Then Donate to RRSPORT!!

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .



MARIA: Here it is.



TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?



CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________



TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?



JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________



TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"



GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"



TEACHER: No, that's wrong



GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________



TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?



DONALD: H I J K L M N O.



TEACHER: What are you talking about?



DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.



WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?



GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."



MILLIE: I is...



TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."



MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."



_________________________________



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?



LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________



TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?



SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________



TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly! the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?



CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________



TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?



HAROLD: A teacher

------------------------------------------------------------



Subject: Lifesavers





A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and

asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to

say:

Red............cherry

Yellow........lemon

Green........lime

Orange.....orange

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.

After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify

the taste.

"Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might

sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled,

"Oh, my God! They're assholes!" some of my Previous cars
--------------------------------
P38 Range Rover Autobiography
RRS 2.7 HSE Silver
RRS TDV8 HSE silver
FFRR Vogue black
Disco3 HSE silver
RRS 2.7 HSE silver
RRS 3.0 HSE BALTI BLUE
______________________________
current vehicles
RRS 3.0 L494 Autobiography
Audi R8 V10 Spyder
AC Cobra
Landrover Defender 90
Landrover Defender 110
Suzuki Jimney

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

OOh man that Lifesavers joke made me spit out my drink!

 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy!

On the morning show at a radio station in AUCKLAND they play a game
for prizes usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's
ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious
relationship.
If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary
from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name
and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly
then they are winners. This particular day it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Mike Haru on MaiFM, 88.6. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ:"Yes"? Does this mean your are married or what? Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only
please Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said
that if there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this
morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with
us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred
times I have done it Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold
, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones *ringing*)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Mike Haru from MaiFM, 88.6. I have been speaking
with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give away any answers or you lose. Soooooooo, do you know the
rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No.
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian. DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3
questions and if you answer what Brian has said then the 2 of you
are off to Orlando Florida at our expense. This does include tickets
to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play.
Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando Magic, they are on strike Sara
"helloooooo" anyone home?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
Brian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian ...this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12, 15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmmm.
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is
trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do
it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, It's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't ...
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord,..I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: IN THE ASS
(long pause)
DJ: We will be right back.
(advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and
these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely
Orlando, Florida.

Yeah, and me and Sara had a great holiday in Orlando!!!  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

Last edited by Brian Mason on Thu Apr 19 2007 9:28pm. Edited 1 time in total

 some of my Previous cars
--------------------------------
P38 Range Rover Autobiography
RRS 2.7 HSE Silver
RRS TDV8 HSE silver
FFRR Vogue black
Disco3 HSE silver
RRS 2.7 HSE silver
RRS 3.0 HSE BALTI BLUE
______________________________
current vehicles
RRS 3.0 L494 Autobiography
Audi R8 V10 Spyder
AC Cobra
Landrover Defender 90
Landrover Defender 110
Suzuki Jimney

Brian Mason wrote:

Yeah, and me and Sara had a great holiday in Orlando!!!

Can't have been you Brian, she said it lasted 12 - 15 minutes

Cliff H wrote:

Brian Mason wrote:

Yeah, and me and Sara had a great holiday in Orlando!!!

Can't have been you Brian, she said it lasted 12 - 15 minutes

Sorry.., I thought Sara said seconds?  MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs

I have to say, in the States, there's a gameshow called "The Newlywed Game", and the question to the female contestant was "where did you last have sex?", to which her answer was "in the butt".

I wonder if this joke was based upon that actual event.... I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy!

 MY12 SDV6 HSE Sumatra/Ebony/Piano/Sidesteps/Privacy/Overfinch Olympus/JLR DRLs