So Glasgow got the Commonwealth Games - the organisers have just published details of some of the changes they are making to some of the events

OPENING CEREMONY
The Commonwealth flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Easterhouse area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS
Glasgaes previous competitors have not been particularly successful.
In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes...

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets,hedges,gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer,(Claw,Sledge etc.)
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows:-
1 - A Moving Police Van.
2 - A Post Office Clerk.
3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver.
4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child.
NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.

BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games.
The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgae University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home. - Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing,joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Clyde run through Glasgae?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged.

Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Kilbride and get it back to Glasgae using at least four different stolen cars.

ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest.
In addition the following 'exhibition events'designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner. 2020 Pangea Green 1st Edition D240 New Defender 110 is here and loving it
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You're a very bad man Tim

And speaking as a Northerner - Why's there no bloomin' Sheep Shaggin' competition? it's the only one we're any good at!! Bloody central belt bias!!  2013 Discovery HSE Luxury - 3.0 SDV6 - Santorini Black
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I was sent it by a friend in the USA who read it in the "Glasgow Herald" on line edition. 2020 Pangea Green 1st Edition D240 New Defender 110 is here and loving it
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Also in my garage is a 1996 TDi300 Defender 90 County HT made into a fake CSW

Talking of Americans in Scotland, I see Trump is looking to replace Aberdeen with a golf resort

"I'm sure the people of Aberdeenshire will be very pleased" he said on the radio this morning.  

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shmoogle wrote:

Talking of Americans in Scotland, I see Trump is looking to replace Aberdeen with a golf resort

"I'm sure the people of Aberdeenshire will be very pleased" he said on the radio this morning.

LOL Shmoo The really funny one is the Farmer that is slap bang in the middle of the projected site that just won't sell, no matter what Trump has offered! He is a bit of a strange fella and he is NOT for moving! Trump has to get him out though, cause his farm looks more like an old scrapyard than a farm and i'm sure that golfers paying Trumps prices for a round won't be impressed with the sight that greats them in the midst of the course.  2013 Discovery HSE Luxury - 3.0 SDV6 - Santorini Black
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He (the farmer) didn't have a lot to say to the interviewer on the Today programme this morning! Good on him, however I hope that he owns the land that his access road to the steading is built on, otherwise he might have an access problem because I'm sure Trumpy will not allow overflights if said farmer has to use a helicopter to get in and out! 2020 Pangea Green 1st Edition D240 New Defender 110 is here and loving it
2018 Melting Silver Mini Countryman PHEV - soon to be replaced
2015MY Corris Grey SDv6 HSE Dynamic, the best car I have ever owned, totally reliable only a cou0le of rattles in 3 years, now no longer in my care
Also in my garage is a 1996 TDi300 Defender 90 County HT made into a fake CSW

To be honest Tim, I don't think the Farmer has much chance of hanging on to his farm. At the end of the day if Aberdeenshire Council decide they really want the Trump Investment in the area, they will just Compulsory Purchase the land. I believe that they can do this, even if it is for a commercial organisation if the Local Authority can prove that it is in the "public interest". We'll just have to wait and see how it all plays out. 2013 Discovery HSE Luxury - 3.0 SDV6 - Santorini Black
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GONE - RRS - 3.0 TDV6 HSE - Santorini (2010)
GONE - RRS - 2.7 TDV6 HSE - Java Black (2007)
GONE - Porsche Boxster S - 3.2 - Black

Yep... and in most compulsory purchase situations, the local authority have already been shown why it is in the best public interest, if you see what I mean  

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Yeah they need new linings for their pockets..................................................... 2020 Pangea Green 1st Edition D240 New Defender 110 is here and loving it
2018 Melting Silver Mini Countryman PHEV - soon to be replaced
2015MY Corris Grey SDv6 HSE Dynamic, the best car I have ever owned, totally reliable only a cou0le of rattles in 3 years, now no longer in my care
Also in my garage is a 1996 TDi300 Defender 90 County HT made into a fake CSW