ok what jokes would you not say at a nuns convention ?


will start of with




How do you get a nun pregnant?


Dress her up as an altar boy.


 

Last edited by aljo on Sun Sep 02 2007 7:11pm. Edited 1 time in total

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

Two nuns in a bath. One says to the other "where's the soap?"

The other says "yes it does, doesn't it!"

Last edited by Boobie-Man on Sun Sep 02 2007 7:04pm. Edited 1 time in total

What is the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the
first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter
told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held
a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" 

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver
she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver
agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with
anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No
problem,
he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will
have
to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on
the
bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business.
When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a
confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun replies:
"Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way
to a costume party".

 

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o' stout
and obviously drunk out of her mind. The town constable walked up to her
and said, "Sure, now sister Colleen, and why'd ya be doing a thing like
this?" The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir.
I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation." The
perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked, "And how might it
be that yer present state could have anything to do with the mother
superior's constipation?" To which sister Colleen said, "When she sees
me this way, she'll be a brick." 

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business
next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother
Superior if she had any dirty habits.

Nun of this blasphemous humour! VA..., where are you old chap, these heathens are being disrepectful!

young nun enters a convent, where she can only utter two words every ten years. After the first decade, she visits Mother Superior and says, "bed hard."

Ten years later, she says, "food bad." After 30 years, she goes to the Mother Superior and says, "I quit."

"I'm not surprised," says Mother Superior. "You've been complaining ever since you got here." 

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a
few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent
for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday
morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."
The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves,
and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the preist and says, "Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?"
She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of
his house, and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it." The priest looks
up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and
drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the
fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
I have sinned." The priest asks" Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The
priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,
"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The
fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."